FANDOM


"dear RM,

Hello, I am a first time DM who would like to know where to get all of my supplies. I need to know where to get DM manuals, editions, character sheets, booklets that tell you what dice to roll to be a certain class, etc. If you could please tell me then I would be most grateful. I live in Nashville, TN, any general location would be fine (Toy's 'R' Us, Wal-Mart, Gaming Store, blah, blah, blah).

Thank you, DM in Distress


P.S. The price would also be necessary for I don't want to get there with not enough money or be there withtoo much money and then get mugged by Thief."

I’d like to take this opportunity to tell all of you to always support your local gaming and comic stores. Not only do they support a very narrow niche’ in the market place, but they also have to endure attacks by various religious organizations and protest groups. Sure, you can find gaming material at any Books-a-million or Barnes and Noble, but they never give their repeat customers discounts, listen patiently to their campaign stories or special order a copy of Pokethulu for you. So I reiterate, always shop at your local gaming store first and foremost. They like staying in business.

Players' Handbooks and DM Guides can be purchased for about $30 each these days.

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"Red Mage,

I have a problem. In my favorite D&D Game, I'm an Elvish Druid. However, I'm really scared of that "Irresistible Dance" spell cast by pixies. Do you know of any magic charms or protective spells that I can use to prevent me from being forced to dance?

Signed,

Scared To Dance"



If your DM ever pulls that “Irresistible Dance” garbage on you, the fairies you’re fighting might not be the only ones in the room, if you catch my meaning.

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"Dear Red Mage,

I was once told by a fellow adventurer that if you look in a mirror and say the words "Blacky Magey" three times fast in the dark under a full moon on the anniversary of some sort of really unpleasant happening, Black Mage will appear and stab you repeatedly. Lacking the ridiculous Constitution and Dexterity bonuses of Fighter, I am somewhat worried about this happening, though I must know whether I was lied to or not. What's the real deal here?

-Slimey Slime McSlimington"


Even with my 15 ranks in Knowledge: Trivia I hadn’t heard of this, so I can’t verify it’s veracity, but I will say that BM occasionally disappears only to return a few moments later with blood on his robes and what he calls "treasure", which looks like soap and shampoo bottles and other toiletries.

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"Dear Rm,

I have a really big moral dilemma. You see, I recently got this really great Vorpal Sword and, you see, I sorta missed the enemy and cut off my party-mates head... I'm not sure if I should bring him back to life or not. I mean, if I had my head cut off I'd be pretty ticked off if I was brought back, and would likely seek bloody revenge. But it wouldn't be right just leaving him without a head.

Please answer soon!


- Bobby 'Has a girls name' Joe"

I’ll answer your question with a question of my own. Did he have any cool stuff? If he did, then it’s yours now. If not, resurrect him and wait till he does.

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"Yo, Red Mage,

Who would win between Goku (DBZ) and (pre-Crisis) Superman? What about Goku and post-Crisis Superman?

I think Goku since he's only slightly less omnipotent than God, but since it says you're a comic book expert I figured I could ask you.


-Green Mage"



Pre-crisis Superman was un-killable. Simple as that. Although he did get cancer and die once, but then he got better. We don’t talk about that issue if we can help it.

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"yo redmage
I have two questions to ask you. There is this girl that i mess with and its like she rolled a natural 20 in playin hard 2 get. Do u know any lines that would make her mines? and, could u introduce me to blackmage? He inspires me 2 be a playa to her n i think he would have better lines then you. P.S. u should get some new sayings so fighter n bm won't be the only funny ones.

sincerely,

Ice-berg in NY."


I’m sorry sir, I don’t speak Dumbass.

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"Dear dat one guy from dat one place dat one time... yeah,

Okay, I play in this dark game with a Beholder I’ll call "I." Now, he was just chillin, trying to get this group of "bags of flesh" to help him get rid of these fools in this really dark place. Now, he unfortunately had a bit of a problem with a massive fireball and is a just little beat up (giant, oozing burn marks all over the place--very uncool).

Now, I was thumbing through the Book of Spells (Player's Hand Book) and wondered two things:

1) Why is there no decent defense spell that doesn't involve making oneself sink or go to a different plane above like 3rd level.

2) Since the spell Polymorph self completely heals you, doesn't that make the white mages very un-funkadelic? I mean, you *need* a white mage... what game would be complete with out her?

PS: Yes, I am literate, by I horridly fail at trying to make jokes by sounding ghetto-fied.

-Loki, Master of Deception"


You, sir, have the INT score of a golem. There are tons of good spells above third level! Ice storm, Phantasmal Killer, Evadr’s Black Tentacles, Polymorph, Fear, and that’s just the fourth level ones! Fifth level has Cloudkill and Cone of Cold for Mystra’s sake! Speaking of Polymorph, It does indeed heal you, but only once, and not that well. There’s no just substitute for a cleric... except a Bard.

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"Dear Red Mage

I am a fifth level sorcerer. I come complete with all the spells necessary to destroy a small village (or large one for that matter). Unfortunately I have to deal with a barbarian with an intelligence of 3 (I mean the player not the character).

He tries to take all the good stuff even if he can't use it. Why a barbarian would want a staff I'll never know. I also have to deal with a monk that never fights only tumbles in circles. These morons leave me to blast every thing. How should I deal with the experience/treasure hogs?

Sincerely,


About to go face stabbing"


Easily dealt with. The next time you’re divvying up the treasure tell them you’re going to cast detect magic and see if any of the new swag is magical. Then announce that a nearby tree (or boulder or column or what have you, just make sure it’s big) is filled with immense magic power. Immediately call “dibs” on it. With luck the barbarian should fall for it, at which point you should try to swindle him out of as much magic booty as you can in exchange for the +12 Tree of Chumps.

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"Red Mage,
I am trying to become the ultimate Red Mage. Would you please tell me how close I am? (Because, of course, YOU are the ultimate Red Mage). I can cast both White and Black Magic. I can wield two swords with as much skill as Fighter himself (Oh yes, and I'm Ambidextrous). I can ALMOST rob Thief himself, and I can grapple with the best of them. I have mastered the Shadow Sword, I can jump REALLY high, I'm the new bearer of the Legend Sword, I can Call, I have learned Meteo, I can change classes at will (even though I, of course, always stay as Red Mage...it's just darn cool that I could change if I wanted to), I can cast Blue Magic, I know how to perfectly pilot Magitek armor, I know every single Limit Break (INCLUDING "CHAOS" BABY!!!!!), I know Trance, I have every single Materia mastered, I know how to Draw spells (and I have them all Drawn), and I can level up in that weird FFX way. Never did quite make sense to me though...When I'm at full health, I can shoot laser beams out of my sword...I have Super Strength, Super Speed, I can fly, I have a jazillion different Utilities on a really COOL Utility Belt, I have web-shooters, I can cling on walls, my skeleton's made of Adamantium, I have cool claws that shoot out of my hands, I have a fast healing rate, I can take other people's powers if I touch them, I can shoot beams out of my eyes, I can change items into pure energy, I can shoot energy out of my hands, I can cast Sorcerer, Wizard, AND Cleric spells, I have ALL 251 Pokemon (yes, I have CELEBI!), I have every single Yu-Gi-Oh! card, and every single Pokemon card, and every single Digimon card, and every single Magic The Gathering card, and ever single Digimon D-Tector card, and I have a Rookie-level Digimon partner who's A attack is a Fire Technique, B attack an Ice Technique, and his C attack is, of course, Defend. It belongs to no Family, and its Attribute is Variable, and he can Digivolve to any Champion Digimon, who can Digivolve to any Ultimate, etc...Oh, AND, I have my Mom's 20% discount at Wal-Mart! Am *I* the ultimate Red Mage?! And, if I'm not, what would I have to do to BECOME the ultimate Red Mage? Oh, and I have all the Harry Potter cards and a couple of the 3rd Edition D&D books...

Your fellow Red Mage(aspiring to be the Ultimate Red Mage),

Jake Solo"


Now all you have to do is get a life.

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"In a Cyberpunk game I'm playing, I mistakenly got a few too many cybernetic replacements, and I'm slowly turning into a mindless killing machine, which is fairly bad for the general populace, as I had both of my arms replaced by rail guns. Is it too late to get a cool tattoo on my back?-Frelophos of the Iron FangP.S. If you're trying to obtain omnipotence, why don't you kill your "fellow party members" and take their stuff?"


Can you? Yes. Should you? No. the rules of Shadowrun state that anytime you implant something man made and unnatural into your body, you lose essence. The rules of cyberpunk are stupid and R. Talsorian Games is dead to me now. At this point it sounds like you've lost most of your body to machine. To add the tattoo would mean instant death. Wait until you get tired of the character and then have someone tattoo your suicide note on your back.

PS. Because they don’t have anything worth taking. Thief keeps his gold in various overseas accounts. The only thing Fighter has are bad ideas. I suppose I could steal Black Mage’s spell book and learn Hadoken but I don’t know where he keeps it and I’m not about to go looking.

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"Dear Red Mage (with the pimpin' hat!),

I'm a first timer to D&D, and I've made a character who's supposed to be the best/main archer of the party (emphasis on 'supposed'). However, upon taking a few quick glances at the other player's character sheets, I've noticed that they all also have crossbows and/or bows of some kind, and looking at their stats, they're quite proficient at using them. I need to find a way to gain the upper hand on them quite soon. Is there anything I can do?

From, Without the Pimpin' Hat,

James, of ye olde lande of Northe Carolina (where there are -no- pimpin' Red Mage hats)"


Cut their bow strings and throw their ammunition in a lake.


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Do you have a geeky question for Red Mage?  Drop him a line at redmage@nuklearpower.com

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